sorry its been so long, not that very many people are reading, but it's been like, 2 weeks. And to be honest, its been rough. i'm going to have to take a break from my normal, sacreligous humor today because I AM JUST NOT FEELING IT.
There, I said it. I'm pissed off. everybody just back the fuck off before I hurt someone. There are multiple facets to how pissed off i am.
1 school. my college lost my pell grant. now, the only reason i even GO to college is because i get a pell grant. if not, i would never be able to afford it. but they lost it an term is already more then a month in. they said 10-21 WORKING DAYS to fix it. it'll be next semester before i get any books.
2 prince broke half the keys on my keyboard. space and shift and enter don't work properly anymore.
3 i was suddenly moved from a part time employee to a full time employee. this normally wouldn't be a bad thing but for the fact that the state is dragging its ass on my childcare subsidy. now i have to bug my sister in law on watching Prince for two whole days in a row,and i don't getasingle day off between school and work
4 husband completly brushed off the whole working with no baby sitter thing entirely. things had been going very well. now i feel slighted and angry. his friend realized that i wanted to say something and asked me about it BEFORE my fucking HUSBAND.what the hell, man?
5 next month is my birthday. this is also usually a good thing, but not this year. i want to throw a halloween party ( since my birthday is so close) but am having trouble drumming up the cash to make itgood, and i also know that husband will likely forget again or spend all the money on his stupid cigerettes. yes, he loves the smokes more then me.
6 the whole not having a car thing. i have a car that does not run. it needs about fiftybucks worth of repair, but it has sat for 3 months because money is just that fucking tight.
7 hunger. i have been hungry. we have some food now, for a while there i was only eating once a day, or every other day. that sucked. but now i just feel like i am constantly starving to death. i can't get enough to eat, and crave things. i can never pitch in to buy lunches at work either, even though they always let me eat with them. makes me feel like a mooch
8 just sick of being poor. i want to buy stuff that i need when i need it and buy stuff i want because i want it. and not have to beg borrow or steal. its not fucking fair, how hard i workand how little ihave to show for it.
9 not sure, but it looks like i might be pregnant again. also this would not normally be a bad thing but for 1, we're broke. 2 i wanted to drink at my birthday. 3 no one in either of our family thinks we should have more kids because our marriage sucks and 4 i've had 2.5 miscarriages ( counting princes little twin sister who died in utero) as much as i want another baby, i'm wary. what if they just keep dying?
i am having such a bad time with life.i need a hug.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
my dream decade
I love old fashioned things. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I should have been born circa 1890. The clothes were lovely, the manners exquisite. The hygeine, lacking, but hey, everyone;s was. I immerse myself in Victorian literature, SteamPunk subculture, and the ideal of chivilry.
Alas! But it will not be so. One of my friends caught me reading "Victorian Living" the other day and he laughed at me. Is it that odd to love the past more then the future?
I have such a love for old things. Old letters with beautiful handwriting. Old clothes that have been lovingly wrapped in muslin for decades. Children's clothing in gorgeous condition due to being only worn for such a short period of time. They say Prince will hate me when he gets older, all the pictures I took of him dressed up as Little Lord Fauntleroy. But he looks so darling! The wide pilgrim collars, the sailor suits, the knicker pants! Makes me want to squeal with how cute he is.
I wish calling cards were still used. I wish Tea happened every day. I wish I could wear hats without getting odd looks. If I ever get the chance, I will have my Victorian house,a nd I'll try to reproduce its old charm. Clawfoot tubs,vainities and high backed commodes, chintz and lace. White curtains. Teapots and teacups and silver. It will be beautiful, and coastal, and my little house will have a wrap around porchwith swings and my children can play all around it....
oh, I'm getting lost in the reverie.....
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Not a whole helluva lot going on....
Not much is happening. I mean yeah, there's school, and i did try to go to class a day early but that's not that exciting. There's work, I got moved up at work, but I haven't started yet. I start that today.
Prince has had the runny nose from hell.I'm shocked that he has any brains left.
Today I made tiny muffins so I can feel like a giant as I devour them in one bite.
Oh, new favorite bitch beer- Jack Daniels summer cocktails. Cheaper then mike's and even though they have the same ammount of alcohol, these hit like a ton of bricks
Prince has had the runny nose from hell.I'm shocked that he has any brains left.
Today I made tiny muffins so I can feel like a giant as I devour them in one bite.
Oh, new favorite bitch beer- Jack Daniels summer cocktails. Cheaper then mike's and even though they have the same ammount of alcohol, these hit like a ton of bricks
Friday, August 13, 2010
Things I love
1. Adult things sized down for children. It 's so adorable. We also have tiny chairs and tables and couches.
2 Beautiful locales, beautiful clothes, and beautiful little boys
3 Vintage Purses. This alligator skin frame purse with brass fittings is elegant and beautiful,despite being older then my mother. (Which is old for a purse, not so old for a woman, mom)
4 Monograms and beautiful, romantic beds.
5 Gorgeous oldfashioned white cotton nighties. Why did these go out of style?other things I love but don't have photos of
6 cashmere sweaters.
7 babies
8 new kittens
9 pepsi
10 going to bars
11 Chili's 14oz steak with loaded potatoes and fresh veggies.
12 watching lightening with my friends
13 books by E Nesbit ( where did those carefree times go?)
14 When strangers stop to admire my beautiful child
15 When people call me "Miss"
16 The Simpsons
17 The Green Mile
18 Baby shoes
19 Sleeping late
20 Massages
21 Christmas morning
22 My birthday, even better when other people remember my birthday too!
23 Chocolate. Lindt. Godiva. Dove.....
24 Frozen Grasshoppers ( creme de menthe, creme de cacao, and vanilla ice cream. Its like a milk shake that gets you plastered)
25 having money left after bills are paid
26 Disney Land.
27 pretty, useless things, like silver teacups or Christening Gowns, and gold-dipped roses.
28 Driving into the sunset with old-school punk rock blasting.
29 the smell of unsmoked tabbacco ( like chocolate and rasins and men)
30 family dinners at home. Amazing how quickly you can fall back into your old role.
31 Those rare moments when you and a friend understand each other perfectly and don't need to say anything else.
32 being able to scrapbook uninterupted.
33 brand new books
34 hugs from good friends
35 watching a jerk get pulled over after cutting you off
36 falling asleep early in the evening and not waking up until the next day
37 someone playing with my hair.
38 Buying groceries after not being able to for a long time
39 Watching something pull together after working so hard on it
40 Coming home after being gone for a week and having all your stuff still be there.
41 the first bite of ANYTHING after being very hungry
42 hearing my son talk
43 weddings.
44 when other children want to play with Prince so I can do something else
45 Bubbles!
46 Going back to my home town
47 Moving into a new house
48 Drinking anything out of a martini glass
49 wearing a fabulous coat
50 getting a joke with everybody else, instead of getting it after everyone else and feeling stupid.
Wow, I like a lot of random shit.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Why I Am a BAD MOTHER
I have a confession to make.
I am a bad mom. Here is the proof:
1 Prince says both "Hell yeah!' and "Oh, Shit!"
2 I count french fries as a vegetable.
3 I never buy him a meal of his own when we go out, I just share with him.
4 I let him drink Iced Tea
5 nothing we have is organic on purpose.
6 I never turn off the TV .
7 those infant learning cards? yeah, we have them, bent up all over the house.
8 Prince sleeps in my bed at least once a week.
9 I call a sitter so I can go get drunk with friends about once a month. ( or maybe this makes me a good mom for not drinking around my kid)
10 I yell if he doesn't listen after two tries
11 He dumped his plate on me, so I dumped my plate on him.
12 I have sat on him in order to brush his teeth.
13 He once bit me and I called him a savage little beast, and threw him in his room and forgot about him for an hour.
14 I give him chunks of lemon because the face he makes is funny.
15 When he isn't behaving like a little prince, he is a little rat.
16 I once lost him in Khols and when I found him, he had dismantled a sunglasses display.
17 One time he was screaming, and I thought he was throwing a fit, but actually, his foot was caught in his bed rail.
18 I let the neighborhood kids take him out to play so I can take a nap.
19 I have seriously considered sending footage of him throwing a tantrum in to Trojan for a condom commercial.
20 I almost always come home from work with a balloon ( or ten) candy, stickers, or a toy for him.
21 He thinks I am the Goddess of Crackers and Milk, because I never tell him no.
22 I used to make cheese sandwiches, now I just give him a piece of cheese because that's all he eats.
23 He got into my make up and dress shoes. I took picture.
24 I also have a naked picture of him on my TV stand.
25 Sometimes the only thing he eats all day is macaroni and cheese. Even for breakfast.
26 his birthday parties take 6 months planning and cost a couple hundred dollars.
27 last Christmas he got 4 tricycles. And I let him keep them all
28 none of our remotes have batteries an non of our lamps work because he lost them or broke them and I cant be bothered to replace them
29 I once put his shoes on the wrong feet and yelled at him for crying the whole walk to the grocery store and didn't realize the problem until we got home.
30 I quit breastfeeding before a year.
31 I didn't use cloth diapers.
32 I once lost our entire stock of bottles only to find them a week later, nasty, curdled bottles of have filled milk, underneath his crib. I washed them out and kept using them,
33 I have tried to take bottles away 4 times, but always cave.
34 I only remember to run the humidifier half the time.
35 I forgot to do the moth by month baby book for his second year, and it probably wont get done now.
36 if anyone else is over, I defer bed time to them, so I don't have to deal with it. He always screams when I put him down, but not anyone else.
37 our neighbors smoke weed. I let Prince play with their son, even though I could smell it so I could walk to the grocery store.
38 I let him fall off the bed when he was 4 month old
39 I let him get a concussion the day before his first birthday.
40 I use the fact that I have a baby with me to get better seats on the bus, help out of the grocery store, and just making people move.
Someone call CPS, because I am obviously the world's worst mother.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
How Last Night Went
YEsterday was quite eventful.
It started wit going to the zoo with my dad, sister, and Prince. We stayed for three huors, with minimal crying. Prince did not appriciate the train or the carousel as much as I thought he would have. We had over priced, cheap-y food for lunch.
At home, Husband was asleep o the couch, and he grumped at me. But I knew I was going to work, and that I (not We, since Husband is no fun) was going the the bar FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!!!.
I only had to work for three hours. which both sucks for money and is awesome for bar-going. (AHHHHH!!!!!)
When I got to work, on my own, as Husband was too tired to drive me ( and apparntly too out of it to remember he told me to take the car) I discovered that all my tables were missing. Which sent me on a trek to find my tables, and I didn't find them all.
my boss has broken ribs.
The desk manager, who makes change,yelled at me for wanting pennies, and then fives and then quarters. This is not my fault. I had $160 in $20's. SHe made me cry for a second. I don't know why. It was stupid.
Then I had to deal with a psycho who wanted to reuse her coupon 6 times. Coupons do not work that way. I question the front desk manager, she confirmed that coupons do not work that way.
I then changed into my going to the bar clothes and left ( Egyption- like gold lame top with jeweled collar, pegged black pants, metallic snake shin heels low, but not flat, but still too high by the end of the night), but not before horrifying my uber-Mormon co worker with my intention to drink. She said she couldn't think of a valid reason to go to a bar, where there were "super scary drunk people" I said that my friend was leaving after tonight. She said "Then go to a restaurant"
No.
You go to a bar to go to a bar. You know its going to be loud, smoky, full of drunk people and slutty girls, and awesome, bitchin', ninja- kick- to -the- gut drinks. You just go to go and to drink and be with people and look at other people and have those people look at you.
Came home. House was destroyed. Prince had written himself all over with a blue pen. Buddy 1 had ordered a pizza. Pizza was consumed, and Buddy 2 showed up . He also engaged in pizza-eating and I put Prince to bed. We then left for the bar. Husband stayed because he is lame and didn't bother to find a sitter
THe bar we went to was called Piper Down, and it's Irish-y. The inside is dark and has high ceilings and a bunch of flat TVS, all on different stations. The booths were up on platforms and had high walls, like a little room. There was a bunch of stuff on the walls and it was holy hell loud. We ordered something called German Chocolate Cake, which was the biggest shot I had ever seen. It took me two tries to finish it, and I think Buddy 1&2 and Marine ( who we were seeing off,) were waiting for me to puke. I didn't.
Then they all ordered beer, and I I got a mai tai. A mai tai tastes like fruit and holy-shit-'I'm-plowed.( Yes, that's a flavor) I was drinking it pretty slow cuz I could totally feel that first shot, which I think was primarily Vodka, but I"m not sure. Marine switched it with his beer at one point. Beer and mai tai's are very different. Very.
Upon finishing it I was profoundly tired, but you can't put your head down at a bar, so the guys took turns talking to me. I don't remember what I said. Which is never good. Buddy 1 was like "Stand up"
Good thing he was standing right there, or I might have lost some teeth. They then decided that I didn't need any more booze. A good call. At which point I drank a bunch of water, decided I had to pee, was led by the hand like a five year old to the bathroom, and locked myself in a stall and coudn't figure out how to get out for a minute ( another sign)
The guys took turns smoking because no one wanted to leave me alone to get raped. Thanks guys. I didn't really want to get raped. They did a good job watching, since I wasn't raped at all.
We sat on the smoking deck. I talked to a girl who was less drunk then me.
Went home. Buddy 1 was kind enough to stop at a Mcdonalds so I could pee ( 2 pints of water is A LOT) but they wouldn't let me. SO we went to Dee's, where we both bee-lined it to the bathrooms and then ordered cheese fries. I only ate half. Cheese fries at Dee's are as big as your head.
We drove for a bit, cuz I was feeling chill, talked about concussions and wisdom teeth, and how odd it feels to feel yourself coming sober. ( It's weird, and I can't describe it well. Its like, drunk, drunk, drunk , drunk. Okay, I'm good now.)
We went home and I fell asleep immidiately on the couch.
I did not throw up at all over the course of the evening or this morning. I do not have a head ache now.
I did have an awesome time and would do it again providing I'm not pregnant.
It started wit going to the zoo with my dad, sister, and Prince. We stayed for three huors, with minimal crying. Prince did not appriciate the train or the carousel as much as I thought he would have. We had over priced, cheap-y food for lunch.
At home, Husband was asleep o the couch, and he grumped at me. But I knew I was going to work, and that I (not We, since Husband is no fun) was going the the bar FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!!!.
I only had to work for three hours. which both sucks for money and is awesome for bar-going. (AHHHHH!!!!!)
When I got to work, on my own, as Husband was too tired to drive me ( and apparntly too out of it to remember he told me to take the car) I discovered that all my tables were missing. Which sent me on a trek to find my tables, and I didn't find them all.
my boss has broken ribs.
The desk manager, who makes change,yelled at me for wanting pennies, and then fives and then quarters. This is not my fault. I had $160 in $20's. SHe made me cry for a second. I don't know why. It was stupid.
Then I had to deal with a psycho who wanted to reuse her coupon 6 times. Coupons do not work that way. I question the front desk manager, she confirmed that coupons do not work that way.
I then changed into my going to the bar clothes and left ( Egyption- like gold lame top with jeweled collar, pegged black pants, metallic snake shin heels low, but not flat, but still too high by the end of the night), but not before horrifying my uber-Mormon co worker with my intention to drink. She said she couldn't think of a valid reason to go to a bar, where there were "super scary drunk people" I said that my friend was leaving after tonight. She said "Then go to a restaurant"
No.
You go to a bar to go to a bar. You know its going to be loud, smoky, full of drunk people and slutty girls, and awesome, bitchin', ninja- kick- to -the- gut drinks. You just go to go and to drink and be with people and look at other people and have those people look at you.
Came home. House was destroyed. Prince had written himself all over with a blue pen. Buddy 1 had ordered a pizza. Pizza was consumed, and Buddy 2 showed up . He also engaged in pizza-eating and I put Prince to bed. We then left for the bar. Husband stayed because he is lame and didn't bother to find a sitter
THe bar we went to was called Piper Down, and it's Irish-y. The inside is dark and has high ceilings and a bunch of flat TVS, all on different stations. The booths were up on platforms and had high walls, like a little room. There was a bunch of stuff on the walls and it was holy hell loud. We ordered something called German Chocolate Cake, which was the biggest shot I had ever seen. It took me two tries to finish it, and I think Buddy 1&2 and Marine ( who we were seeing off,) were waiting for me to puke. I didn't.
Then they all ordered beer, and I I got a mai tai. A mai tai tastes like fruit and holy-shit-'I'm-plowed.( Yes, that's a flavor) I was drinking it pretty slow cuz I could totally feel that first shot, which I think was primarily Vodka, but I"m not sure. Marine switched it with his beer at one point. Beer and mai tai's are very different. Very.
Upon finishing it I was profoundly tired, but you can't put your head down at a bar, so the guys took turns talking to me. I don't remember what I said. Which is never good. Buddy 1 was like "Stand up"
Good thing he was standing right there, or I might have lost some teeth. They then decided that I didn't need any more booze. A good call. At which point I drank a bunch of water, decided I had to pee, was led by the hand like a five year old to the bathroom, and locked myself in a stall and coudn't figure out how to get out for a minute ( another sign)
The guys took turns smoking because no one wanted to leave me alone to get raped. Thanks guys. I didn't really want to get raped. They did a good job watching, since I wasn't raped at all.
We sat on the smoking deck. I talked to a girl who was less drunk then me.
Went home. Buddy 1 was kind enough to stop at a Mcdonalds so I could pee ( 2 pints of water is A LOT) but they wouldn't let me. SO we went to Dee's, where we both bee-lined it to the bathrooms and then ordered cheese fries. I only ate half. Cheese fries at Dee's are as big as your head.
We drove for a bit, cuz I was feeling chill, talked about concussions and wisdom teeth, and how odd it feels to feel yourself coming sober. ( It's weird, and I can't describe it well. Its like, drunk, drunk, drunk , drunk. Okay, I'm good now.)
We went home and I fell asleep immidiately on the couch.
I did not throw up at all over the course of the evening or this morning. I do not have a head ache now.
I did have an awesome time and would do it again providing I'm not pregnant.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Who The FUCK hits on a chick buying diapers?
Seriously, doesn't the titles say it all?
I'll lay the scene. I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I'm wearing a too big sun dress and flip flops any my hair is all over my head, and no make up. I grab my diapers and thrust them on the counter with my last $21.00.
Behind me I here "MmmmMMMMmmmmmmm!!!!!!!"
I look around to see an old Mexican man with ony 2 teeth lick is lips and make a kissy sound at me.
Ugh.
I say " DOn't look at me!"
I continue with my transaction, gathering my .64, when I suddenly feel a lumpy wall behind my back.
Its the guy, pressing himself against me.
"Can I touch you then?"
FUCK. FUCK FUCK.
"NO!!!" I squeak, hurrying off with my diapers towards home.
He followed me. A friendly big rig driver noticed what was going on, jumped out of his truck and effectivly "got in his way" while I escaped.
Jesus. Why hits on someone buying diapers? Isn't that a pretty sure sign of "Someone else already tapped that"? Or. "SHe's got kids. I just want to fuck her, I don't want no kids"?
No
God, I need a shower now.
And Maybe to move, I know he saw me go into my building.
I'll lay the scene. I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I'm wearing a too big sun dress and flip flops any my hair is all over my head, and no make up. I grab my diapers and thrust them on the counter with my last $21.00.
Behind me I here "MmmmMMMMmmmmmmm!!!!!!!"
I look around to see an old Mexican man with ony 2 teeth lick is lips and make a kissy sound at me.
Ugh.
I say " DOn't look at me!"
I continue with my transaction, gathering my .64, when I suddenly feel a lumpy wall behind my back.
Its the guy, pressing himself against me.
"Can I touch you then?"
FUCK. FUCK FUCK.
"NO!!!" I squeak, hurrying off with my diapers towards home.
He followed me. A friendly big rig driver noticed what was going on, jumped out of his truck and effectivly "got in his way" while I escaped.
Jesus. Why hits on someone buying diapers? Isn't that a pretty sure sign of "Someone else already tapped that"? Or. "SHe's got kids. I just want to fuck her, I don't want no kids"?
No
God, I need a shower now.
And Maybe to move, I know he saw me go into my building.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Nazi Neighbors and racism in general
My neighbors are nazis. Like, card- carrying, swastika tattooed nazi, no shit, no joke. However, they say they don't hate little black/Jewish/ handicapped/hispanic KIDS, because they can't help that they are "Deficiet" As though you can change that when you grown up, or something. Some sort of surgery or some shit like that, how you can change genders, why not change races. ( Why should we not change Races? Micheal Jackson. That's why.) Now, I don't get this.
I prefer to hate people on a case by case basis, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity or creed. I
am an equal oppertunity hater.
Door ding my car and don't leave a note? FUCK YOU.
Kick puppies? YOU SUCK.
Let you kid pick on my kid? I WILL KEEL-HAUL YOU.
Smoke, while talking on your cell phone while ordering food? GO TO HELL.
It doesn't matter what you look like, it matters what you do.
I just don't get racism. I mean, its like hating someone because they grew taller then you, or have freckles. No one can help how they are born. No one asks to be born. I didn;t ask to be so lily white I glow in the dark. I should get special treatment due to this, since I had literally NO PART in it.
So on the whole, I hate racism. Hearing it makes my blood boil and my stomach hurt. And now I have to live near these people who hate people because of things that they can't help. And I live in a damn diverse neighborhood. Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Bosnians, Hispanics, South Africans, Chinese, Irish immigrants, and native Americans all live here. Caucasian people are pretty much the minority. Which just makes me fear their ignorance.
I prefer to hate people on a case by case basis, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity or creed. I
am an equal oppertunity hater.
Door ding my car and don't leave a note? FUCK YOU.
Kick puppies? YOU SUCK.
Let you kid pick on my kid? I WILL KEEL-HAUL YOU.
Smoke, while talking on your cell phone while ordering food? GO TO HELL.
It doesn't matter what you look like, it matters what you do.
I just don't get racism. I mean, its like hating someone because they grew taller then you, or have freckles. No one can help how they are born. No one asks to be born. I didn;t ask to be so lily white I glow in the dark. I should get special treatment due to this, since I had literally NO PART in it.
So on the whole, I hate racism. Hearing it makes my blood boil and my stomach hurt. And now I have to live near these people who hate people because of things that they can't help. And I live in a damn diverse neighborhood. Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Bosnians, Hispanics, South Africans, Chinese, Irish immigrants, and native Americans all live here. Caucasian people are pretty much the minority. Which just makes me fear their ignorance.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
glove bombs and mustard cannons.
When you work in a hotel like I do, crazy, wild, stupid, unbelievable shit happens pretty much every day. ( and you see a lot of people having sex, whether you want to or not!) But some of the most insane, stupidest crap comes from the very people you work with.
The day before I had the misfortune to sprain my wrist trying to move the ice cream cooler, and yesterday it had swollen and turned an unpleasant bright red and was making me want to cry, so I filled a laytex glove up with ice and put it on my wrist. ( I learned this trick after having prince, when they gave me a glove of Ice to put in the very sensitive area after childbirth. Its kind of like being fingered by the grim reaper but it definately works.) After a while all the ice had melted and the two tylenols I had taken began to take effect, so I set the glove full of cold water aside. Will, GIrl Lifegaurd, who likes to visit was up with me and Boss. Boss told her to put it down, and of course, she viewed that as a direct challenge and made like throwing it at him. Then overtaken by a clever idea, she grabbed a new glove, filled it with water at the sink and poked a hole in the middle finger so she could use it like an udder. She tried to squirt it at Boss. Boss grabbed it. The glove udder exploded water in a four foot radius I had barely moved out of. Hilarity ensued.
Then Girl Life Gaurd returned to save drowning folk and then Boss's Boss came in. We discussed the water on the floor ( not involved) and whether or not my monogram ring is actually my name ( it is, you idiot, it goes first initial, Last Initial, middle initial and my last and middle initials are the same. You ask this EVERY DAY) discussed my Nazi neighbors ( unfortunately involved) and what to do about my wrist ( no, I don't want to file a damn report, it's not going to fall off.)
And then, quite suddenly, Dave ( boss's boss) pick up our new, Mega-condiment dispenser, that hold five pounds of either ketchup or mustard and says "HAve you figured out how far these things can shoot?"
Um, no, Dave. No we haven't because launching mustard bombs is a waste of mustard.
But that doesn't stop him, oh, no, no way! He flips that thing up, points it straight at me and FIRES!!!!!! I barely escape into the far corner of the storeroom. Mustard shot literally 20 feet, from the far side of the counter, across the kitchen and halfway across the storeroom. I was 8 inches away from being struck by mustard. It could have been very traumatic. And ruined my pants. But it didn't so I laughed.
And thus we had the hilarity at work yesterday.
Nazis will be explained at a later date. Maybe tomorrow. If I can fet the balls enough to talk about them, because Nazis are bad, bad, bad. ANd they might come for me.
The day before I had the misfortune to sprain my wrist trying to move the ice cream cooler, and yesterday it had swollen and turned an unpleasant bright red and was making me want to cry, so I filled a laytex glove up with ice and put it on my wrist. ( I learned this trick after having prince, when they gave me a glove of Ice to put in the very sensitive area after childbirth. Its kind of like being fingered by the grim reaper but it definately works.) After a while all the ice had melted and the two tylenols I had taken began to take effect, so I set the glove full of cold water aside. Will, GIrl Lifegaurd, who likes to visit was up with me and Boss. Boss told her to put it down, and of course, she viewed that as a direct challenge and made like throwing it at him. Then overtaken by a clever idea, she grabbed a new glove, filled it with water at the sink and poked a hole in the middle finger so she could use it like an udder. She tried to squirt it at Boss. Boss grabbed it. The glove udder exploded water in a four foot radius I had barely moved out of. Hilarity ensued.
Then Girl Life Gaurd returned to save drowning folk and then Boss's Boss came in. We discussed the water on the floor ( not involved) and whether or not my monogram ring is actually my name ( it is, you idiot, it goes first initial, Last Initial, middle initial and my last and middle initials are the same. You ask this EVERY DAY) discussed my Nazi neighbors ( unfortunately involved) and what to do about my wrist ( no, I don't want to file a damn report, it's not going to fall off.)
And then, quite suddenly, Dave ( boss's boss) pick up our new, Mega-condiment dispenser, that hold five pounds of either ketchup or mustard and says "HAve you figured out how far these things can shoot?"
Um, no, Dave. No we haven't because launching mustard bombs is a waste of mustard.
But that doesn't stop him, oh, no, no way! He flips that thing up, points it straight at me and FIRES!!!!!! I barely escape into the far corner of the storeroom. Mustard shot literally 20 feet, from the far side of the counter, across the kitchen and halfway across the storeroom. I was 8 inches away from being struck by mustard. It could have been very traumatic. And ruined my pants. But it didn't so I laughed.
And thus we had the hilarity at work yesterday.
Nazis will be explained at a later date. Maybe tomorrow. If I can fet the balls enough to talk about them, because Nazis are bad, bad, bad. ANd they might come for me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
How I made 6 children cry and was nearly killed by a large Polynisian woman, and why I hate other people's children
Yesterday, due to mt apartment complex's eternal lameness I was forced to take Prince to the park to ride is new tricycle instead of using all the little paths that are IN THE COMPLEX. (See awesome tricycle above)
Well, I took him to the local park, and there were a lot of people there and they all seemed to know each other. It seemed to be some sort of family reunion for a LARGE Polynisian family. ( Seriously large, like a coupe hundred people. I don't think I personally know that many freaking people) But, there wasn't a "reserved" placard up, so I had just as much a right to be at the park as they did.
Well We pushed prince around on the trike for a while, and then he wanted to play on the playground, so I parked the trike in the corner of the yard and Prince ran off to play on the playground. As soon as my hand wasn't actually on the trike, a swarm of children just attacked it like flies on a carcass. After about 5 minutes of watching my son's new, expensive tricycle being abused by these little rat kids, I walked over, plopped him back on it and pushed him away. Well, this causes instant tears from the little trike-jackers, "It's mine! It's MINE!" Suddenly I find myself nose-to-navel with an ENORMOUS, Amazon like Islander woman, with several other equally large women backing her up. Eight year olds were bigger than me.
"Why are you taking my kids' bike?" She booms.
"I'm not. I'm taking MY kid's trike." I say, sounding less tough then I would have liked.
"Says who?" she says
"Says the fact that my kid's name is on it it like, three places" says I, and with that I quickly manuver around them, back to Husband, where we load up and leave.
ANd this leads me to the next half as to why I hate other people's children.
Now, I love my own children. Obviously, Prince is perfect and must be loved
But other kids I am less enthusiastic about, espcially lately. It seems like all the children around here are just little felons in training, militant, nefarious little beasts, who steal toys and popcicles . It's like my child is a small country with nice toys being overtaken by a larger, militant countries with runny noses.
Since May Prince has lost 3 balls, a bucket ( cruelly trampled by the foot of an angry 5 year old) gallons of bubble mix have been poured out, unblown, and dozens of waterballoons monopolized and destroyed before Prince even gets to play with them.
And parents don't force their kids to play nice. Some brat knocks Prince off his bike and ride off on it, I chase that little bastard down and take it back, and I'm the bad guy for taking my kid's stuff.
Other children just suck. They are loud. They say things like " Your mama's so dumb she stuck a battery up hr butt cuz she thought she was battery operated". They walk into your house and straight up take my kid's toys. They rip popsicles out of his little hands and eat them.
Other kids freaking suck. I don't let my kid take toys from other kids. I allow him to make a ruckus in restaurants and movies and supermarkets. I don't let my kid say rude things. Its not that hard. WHY CAN'T OTHER PEOPLE REALIZE THAT?
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Why My Liver is a Super hero
Unlike everyone else I know, I actually did not indulge in alcohol until I was OF AGE, which means that I have a super healthy liver. All my friends who have been drinking since Jr. High, their livers are all like "Myaaaaah!" after a night of drinking, my liver is like "DOOT-DO-DOOOOO!"
Like, I have four drinks and I get to ride the wave for a while, fall asleep suddenly and wake up the next morning brimming with obnoxiously perky energy whilst my fellow drinking buddies are curled on the cold tile floor.
Even while I'm drinking, I start to sober up, cuz my liver is just that badass. Maybe it's cuz I eat the whole time I"m drinking cuz I just don't like how alcohol on nothing makes my stomach feel ( which is like when an elevator goes down when you thought it would go up.) It must dampen the effect considerably. Most people have a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another (or another drink) I have a drink in one hand and a box of Ritz crackers in the other.
My work buddy came to work hungover yesterday . Her liver is not as badass as mine.
Like, I have four drinks and I get to ride the wave for a while, fall asleep suddenly and wake up the next morning brimming with obnoxiously perky energy whilst my fellow drinking buddies are curled on the cold tile floor.
Even while I'm drinking, I start to sober up, cuz my liver is just that badass. Maybe it's cuz I eat the whole time I"m drinking cuz I just don't like how alcohol on nothing makes my stomach feel ( which is like when an elevator goes down when you thought it would go up.) It must dampen the effect considerably. Most people have a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another (or another drink) I have a drink in one hand and a box of Ritz crackers in the other.
My work buddy came to work hungover yesterday . Her liver is not as badass as mine.
Friday, July 2, 2010
things that scare the shit out of me
1. Spiders. I hate spiders. Spiders should all die, and then some one else needs to sweep up the corpses, cuz I even hate the corpses. If a spider touches something, that item is no good any more and needs to be disposed of. This is why I have several lonely shoes. Their mates sacrificed themselves to save me from spiders.
2 Birds. Not like cute little sparrows, but big ones, swans,ducks, geese, and seagulls. Stupid, you say? You know swan has a 6 foot wingspan and are a hell of a lot less beautiful when they are out of the water, chasing you, and you are nine. And ducks? You better have enough bread for ALL THE DUCKS IN THE WORLD, or the ones who get stiffed will BITE YOUR ASS. Same with geese. ANs seaguls, seaguls will attack you, shit on you and then steal you lunch, bag and all. Birds suck.
3 Zombies. DO I need to expound upon this? Zombies are scary. They lumber, moan, and eat other people. If your mother becomes a zombie you have to either kill your mother, or let her drag you to an undead convention. Plus thanks to movie magic, now we have to worry about fast, bloody zombies a la 28 days later. NOT COOL! Those fuckers are fast, and I have asthma!
4. Driving. I hate driving. Driving is scary. Cops are lurking to pull you over for going 31 in a 30, or for using your cell phone when you are hopelessly lost. Other drivers are trying to kill you. Your exit always jumps up on you unexpectedly, forcing you to take the next exit, which drops you into a strange, inbred hick town to be eaten by the monsters from the Hills Have Eyes.
5. People speaking foreign languages, especially Asian or Russian ones. Nothing against these people, truly, but when you have to Chinese guys arguing on a bus, that is so Goddamn scary I want my mommy. They always sound so ANGRY!!!!!! I mean, yeah, maybe they are just talking about movies, or vegetables or commenting on my lovely blond hair, but the threat level persists. (Agian, no offense to Chinese people. I'm sure non-english speakers feel the same hearing me babble to some other English speaker.)
6. Water. Not all water, just water over my head as I never learned to swim properly. This is a perfectly understandable fear. Water doesn't work like air and I know this. I also know that I lack the manual dexteriy and bouyancy to defeat water. Water is a nemisis of mine.
7. CLowns. Clowns are freaky, with thier deathly pale skin and wide, bloody mouths, and enourmous feet and they wear things that squirt stuff, and something they kill people. Watch "it" and you will understand
8. Public restrooms. God only knows what happened there. What's that on the floor? Why is there a razor blade in the toilet paper despenser? OH GOD, IS THAT A SEVERED PENIS?! Someone was raped here, I'm sure of it.......
And that is the shortlist of things that scare the shit out of me. Believe me there is more, but I can't reveal all my weaknesses.
2 Birds. Not like cute little sparrows, but big ones, swans,ducks, geese, and seagulls. Stupid, you say? You know swan has a 6 foot wingspan and are a hell of a lot less beautiful when they are out of the water, chasing you, and you are nine. And ducks? You better have enough bread for ALL THE DUCKS IN THE WORLD, or the ones who get stiffed will BITE YOUR ASS. Same with geese. ANs seaguls, seaguls will attack you, shit on you and then steal you lunch, bag and all. Birds suck.
3 Zombies. DO I need to expound upon this? Zombies are scary. They lumber, moan, and eat other people. If your mother becomes a zombie you have to either kill your mother, or let her drag you to an undead convention. Plus thanks to movie magic, now we have to worry about fast, bloody zombies a la 28 days later. NOT COOL! Those fuckers are fast, and I have asthma!
4. Driving. I hate driving. Driving is scary. Cops are lurking to pull you over for going 31 in a 30, or for using your cell phone when you are hopelessly lost. Other drivers are trying to kill you. Your exit always jumps up on you unexpectedly, forcing you to take the next exit, which drops you into a strange, inbred hick town to be eaten by the monsters from the Hills Have Eyes.
5. People speaking foreign languages, especially Asian or Russian ones. Nothing against these people, truly, but when you have to Chinese guys arguing on a bus, that is so Goddamn scary I want my mommy. They always sound so ANGRY!!!!!! I mean, yeah, maybe they are just talking about movies, or vegetables or commenting on my lovely blond hair, but the threat level persists. (Agian, no offense to Chinese people. I'm sure non-english speakers feel the same hearing me babble to some other English speaker.)
6. Water. Not all water, just water over my head as I never learned to swim properly. This is a perfectly understandable fear. Water doesn't work like air and I know this. I also know that I lack the manual dexteriy and bouyancy to defeat water. Water is a nemisis of mine.
7. CLowns. Clowns are freaky, with thier deathly pale skin and wide, bloody mouths, and enourmous feet and they wear things that squirt stuff, and something they kill people. Watch "it" and you will understand
8. Public restrooms. God only knows what happened there. What's that on the floor? Why is there a razor blade in the toilet paper despenser? OH GOD, IS THAT A SEVERED PENIS?! Someone was raped here, I'm sure of it.......
And that is the shortlist of things that scare the shit out of me. Believe me there is more, but I can't reveal all my weaknesses.
Monday, June 28, 2010
13 Things that suck and are embarrassing
1 when you drop something in a a store and people see you do it. They look even more badly at you when you put said item back. Epsecially if it is a child size picnic table that you just decided you don't need since you don't have a yard. Upon hearing this news, the tiny table will throw itself to the ground, not break, but make it evident that it is missing several bolts. Salvation Army will try to make you buy it.
2 children throwing tantrums. Prince doesn't throw many but when he does they are spectacular, and people stare at me like I am a terrible parent and person in general because my kid is screaming like I cut his head off when I actually told him " no candy"
3 spilling things. I am either very good at spilling things, or terrible at keeping them contained. If something is going to spill, it will always be very loud when something serious is going on, or else it will happen when someone important is watching you and if you are very unlucky it will happen ON that person.
4 Farting. Farting is just embarrassing. It is also embarrassing when you end up witnessing the fart of someone else. They you have to decide if you are going to address it or ignore it, and it is awkward for both parties.
5 Being around drunk people who are not in your usual group of drinking buddies. We have all had this happen. You have a group of people you always drink with. You know what each other drinks, and you know how those people react to alcohol. Chances are they react about the same as you. If you are a member of of the "Really chill, laid back" type pf drunkenness, it is awkward and disturbing when someone brings a "Loud, rowdy, breaking-shit" type of drunk into your mix. Often, you must evict the inviter from the group due to this indiscretion.
6 WHen someone catches you singing. You were alone, and happily belting out the lyrics to " I dreamed a Dream" when you turn around to see three coworkers staring at you. ANd then they will poke fun you for this.
7 Conspicuous zits. They are there. They hurt. You know they are there, a beacon of blemish, and yet someone, or several someones feel morally obligated to point out that there is an oozing pustule the size of Venus on your chin.
8 Operating someone else's television. Everyone knows how thier TV works, and all TVs are different. You go to your buddy's house and while they are preparing dinner, they hand you the remote with hurried instruction on how to "watch whatever you want".What happens is you break their TV and make it turn into scary snow, and your friend thinks you are stupid.
9 The first day of work. You haven't been judged this harshly since High School. And you KNOW there is someone there, sizing you up, who wanted the position that you ended up with. Look out for that guy. You'll have to ask 30000 questions of the course of the day and everyone will think you are mildly retarded.
10. Having a card decline. You KNOW there is money there. You put it there yesterday. Now ou $200 worth of groceries and personal lubricant ( His and Hers Sensual Arousal which is sitting proudly on top of your TP and your Windex) THe card declines three times, you give up, leave your oreos and lube behind, go to the bank and discover that yes, you do have $600 in your checking account. And now, they don't know why it didn't work. SO you take out cash and return to the store to find all your stuff had been put back. Now you have to start all over. And now you will be 17 cents short.
11. When tampons fall out of your purse. Always in front of boys men, your boss, or a group of elderly people. The following "jokes" aren't much fun either.
12. Needing toilet paper and having to ask. What's worse then having to inform a total stranger that your ass is wet and possibly covered in excrement, and could they please lend you a few squares of toilet tissue? Yeah. Awkward.
13. When parents ask about your sex life. Or spontaneously inform you of theirs. This can be completely scarring. Especially when done in WalMart. Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, AWkward. I know you well......
2 children throwing tantrums. Prince doesn't throw many but when he does they are spectacular, and people stare at me like I am a terrible parent and person in general because my kid is screaming like I cut his head off when I actually told him " no candy"
3 spilling things. I am either very good at spilling things, or terrible at keeping them contained. If something is going to spill, it will always be very loud when something serious is going on, or else it will happen when someone important is watching you and if you are very unlucky it will happen ON that person.
4 Farting. Farting is just embarrassing. It is also embarrassing when you end up witnessing the fart of someone else. They you have to decide if you are going to address it or ignore it, and it is awkward for both parties.
5 Being around drunk people who are not in your usual group of drinking buddies. We have all had this happen. You have a group of people you always drink with. You know what each other drinks, and you know how those people react to alcohol. Chances are they react about the same as you. If you are a member of of the "Really chill, laid back" type pf drunkenness, it is awkward and disturbing when someone brings a "Loud, rowdy, breaking-shit" type of drunk into your mix. Often, you must evict the inviter from the group due to this indiscretion.
6 WHen someone catches you singing. You were alone, and happily belting out the lyrics to " I dreamed a Dream" when you turn around to see three coworkers staring at you. ANd then they will poke fun you for this.
7 Conspicuous zits. They are there. They hurt. You know they are there, a beacon of blemish, and yet someone, or several someones feel morally obligated to point out that there is an oozing pustule the size of Venus on your chin.
8 Operating someone else's television. Everyone knows how thier TV works, and all TVs are different. You go to your buddy's house and while they are preparing dinner, they hand you the remote with hurried instruction on how to "watch whatever you want".What happens is you break their TV and make it turn into scary snow, and your friend thinks you are stupid.
9 The first day of work. You haven't been judged this harshly since High School. And you KNOW there is someone there, sizing you up, who wanted the position that you ended up with. Look out for that guy. You'll have to ask 30000 questions of the course of the day and everyone will think you are mildly retarded.
10. Having a card decline. You KNOW there is money there. You put it there yesterday. Now ou $200 worth of groceries and personal lubricant ( His and Hers Sensual Arousal which is sitting proudly on top of your TP and your Windex) THe card declines three times, you give up, leave your oreos and lube behind, go to the bank and discover that yes, you do have $600 in your checking account. And now, they don't know why it didn't work. SO you take out cash and return to the store to find all your stuff had been put back. Now you have to start all over. And now you will be 17 cents short.
11. When tampons fall out of your purse. Always in front of boys men, your boss, or a group of elderly people. The following "jokes" aren't much fun either.
12. Needing toilet paper and having to ask. What's worse then having to inform a total stranger that your ass is wet and possibly covered in excrement, and could they please lend you a few squares of toilet tissue? Yeah. Awkward.
13. When parents ask about your sex life. Or spontaneously inform you of theirs. This can be completely scarring. Especially when done in WalMart. Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, AWkward. I know you well......
Sunday, June 27, 2010
this is what I look like, jus tin case you were wondering
This is me. I look 16, I know. The zit on my chin doesn't help but oh well. I"m pretty normal looking, not pretty , not ugly ,not fat. This is before i go to work. My hair is in pigtails because i need to have it up as I work in food service but it's too short to be in one ponytail. The bows are just.... well, if you have to wear pigtails, you may as well go all the way.SO now you know who is babbling at you
A Harrowing Ordeal
Yesterday was A Harrowing Ordeal. It did not start out as such. It started out pretty damn normal. I went to work. I made balloons. I read Miss Manners. Everything was going swimmingly, but for the fact that thepeople I was hosting this particular birthday party for were grumpy buttmunches who somehow expected me to bring 20 pizzas, drinks, and individual bags of cheetos to them all by myself, instead of walking by and picking them up cafeteria style like normal, less entitled people would do, especially when the person (me) just cooked 20 meals, placed them neatly on a long bar and said "Alright, food up!" . But no. After 10 minutes the grumpy party mom asked me "Well, are you going to bring it to us or what?"
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............No.
How do you expect me to accomplish that?Hmm? It is OBVIOUSLY more effecient to line up everyone and grab your own pizza, chips and drink. If you can't see that, I can't help you.
But that was only the begginning.
Then I had to ring these people up. Normally this is no big deal. Their total was only $61. But someone had already checked these people out ( Note: I work in a hotel and we rent out rooms for parties and meetings, but in the computer its like they are staying in the hotel) Now I am only allowed to know how to do one thing- ring up parties. If somethign is even an Iota off from what I was taught, I cannot do it since I am not allowed to know how to other things ( Or fix them) The real front desk person couldn't figure it out either. He told me to call the manager, who had left 15minutes ago.
Now, normally I like the manager. Her name starts with C and she's a sweetheart of epic proportions and is normally very sweet and pateint when it comes to explaining things to me, as I am pretty damn slow at stuff like this. Unfortunately, without her RIGHT THERE, her instructions were useless, confusing, and frustrating because she wanted me to do things that I'm not technically allowed to do and therefore didn't know how to do them, so I was fucking it up. She'd say " Push this button"
I say "Ok"
She says "What happened?"
I say " It turned blue"
She says " It can't turn blue"
I say "Well it did."
She says "Let me talk to Real Desk Person"
I thrust phone at RDP. After a moment he hands it back to me.
She says "Push "Billing"
I say " I can't, its greyed out."
SHe says "WHY?"
At this point I want to bang the phone on the counter repeatedly at this point, but I can't because the people I am trying to ring up are standing in front of me and I am beginning to look petulant and frustrated and they are looking at me like I am retarded.
FInally I just kill the whole thing and run their party for only $61 (after throwing my own damn dollar in there, since all they had was $60 and I was SO DONE I didn't care) and hand them the reciept. While dealing with this, my assitant arrived and stole my keys from aorund my neck and went back to the kitchen.
I storm upstairs and star blowing up balloons with fury, but they are small and leaky and keep falling over. I don't care. My boss J asks me what is wrong. I tell him I just suffered a harrowing computer induced ordeal and ow what to either a kill myself, b, kill someone else or c just plain fucking quit.
He says " None of those are good options, just do the balloons" so I do.
I leave for a minute to find Assistant and Lifegaurd discussing blowjobs. Now, I had already discussed with Assistant the fact that I had never giving a blowjob. jumping to conclusions I said " WHAT? Are you telling him that I never-" ( At this point I realize that I have given myself away and turn and storm off into the stock room, vowing to never come out> But I have to eventually)
Assistant laughs at me. For some unknown and traitorous reason, I feel my eyes trying to cry. I don't know why. SHe then tries to tell me that not having a reputation for giving blowjobs is a good thing, and think of how awkward it would be if two people you had givin blowjobs to began to discuss your technique. I asked her if this had happened to her. She said "..................no.............." THen she told me about all the places she had sex. This will get us both fired. ANd makes me want to take a shower.
Then Boss J tells me to write down all the prices plus tax on a peice of paper. When I try to grab a chair Assisant yanks is out from under me. I am pisse.d BUt then the popcorn machine tries to kill Asisstant who runs away screaming and hypervhentalating, which was quite funny.
THen I had to deal with Dave. ( Dave has a name because I do not like him. IF you are nameless, I'm cool with you. ) Dave is just irritating. He makes me feel combative. He makes fun of how I parent, how I dress, how I talk. After 15 minutes of this I finally just blurt out, I don't like you DAve!
THe silence ensuing is pretty epic. Dave leaves. I am glad. I don't like him. But he continues to return several times thrughout the evening.
Finaly, I get to leave,and come home to find Keving and Jake going to Dominos. Jake gets me a lava cake, but I fall asleep before they get back so he puts the lava cake on my stomach as though I am a plant and I can absorb the nurtrients. I can't and its hot, as it is a lava cake. I wake up with molten chocolate on my stomach, toss it in the fridge an dgo to bed.
I had the lava cake for breakfast. Awesome, I know.
But that is why yesterday was a harrowing ordeal. Maybe "harrowing " Is a bit extreme, but it suck. At least I got cake out of it.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............No.
How do you expect me to accomplish that?Hmm? It is OBVIOUSLY more effecient to line up everyone and grab your own pizza, chips and drink. If you can't see that, I can't help you.
But that was only the begginning.
Then I had to ring these people up. Normally this is no big deal. Their total was only $61. But someone had already checked these people out ( Note: I work in a hotel and we rent out rooms for parties and meetings, but in the computer its like they are staying in the hotel) Now I am only allowed to know how to do one thing- ring up parties. If somethign is even an Iota off from what I was taught, I cannot do it since I am not allowed to know how to other things ( Or fix them) The real front desk person couldn't figure it out either. He told me to call the manager, who had left 15minutes ago.
Now, normally I like the manager. Her name starts with C and she's a sweetheart of epic proportions and is normally very sweet and pateint when it comes to explaining things to me, as I am pretty damn slow at stuff like this. Unfortunately, without her RIGHT THERE, her instructions were useless, confusing, and frustrating because she wanted me to do things that I'm not technically allowed to do and therefore didn't know how to do them, so I was fucking it up. She'd say " Push this button"
I say "Ok"
She says "What happened?"
I say " It turned blue"
She says " It can't turn blue"
I say "Well it did."
She says "Let me talk to Real Desk Person"
I thrust phone at RDP. After a moment he hands it back to me.
She says "Push "Billing"
I say " I can't, its greyed out."
SHe says "WHY?"
At this point I want to bang the phone on the counter repeatedly at this point, but I can't because the people I am trying to ring up are standing in front of me and I am beginning to look petulant and frustrated and they are looking at me like I am retarded.
FInally I just kill the whole thing and run their party for only $61 (after throwing my own damn dollar in there, since all they had was $60 and I was SO DONE I didn't care) and hand them the reciept. While dealing with this, my assitant arrived and stole my keys from aorund my neck and went back to the kitchen.
I storm upstairs and star blowing up balloons with fury, but they are small and leaky and keep falling over. I don't care. My boss J asks me what is wrong. I tell him I just suffered a harrowing computer induced ordeal and ow what to either a kill myself, b, kill someone else or c just plain fucking quit.
He says " None of those are good options, just do the balloons" so I do.
I leave for a minute to find Assistant and Lifegaurd discussing blowjobs. Now, I had already discussed with Assistant the fact that I had never giving a blowjob. jumping to conclusions I said " WHAT? Are you telling him that I never-" ( At this point I realize that I have given myself away and turn and storm off into the stock room, vowing to never come out> But I have to eventually)
Assistant laughs at me. For some unknown and traitorous reason, I feel my eyes trying to cry. I don't know why. SHe then tries to tell me that not having a reputation for giving blowjobs is a good thing, and think of how awkward it would be if two people you had givin blowjobs to began to discuss your technique. I asked her if this had happened to her. She said "..................no.............." THen she told me about all the places she had sex. This will get us both fired. ANd makes me want to take a shower.
Then Boss J tells me to write down all the prices plus tax on a peice of paper. When I try to grab a chair Assisant yanks is out from under me. I am pisse.d BUt then the popcorn machine tries to kill Asisstant who runs away screaming and hypervhentalating, which was quite funny.
THen I had to deal with Dave. ( Dave has a name because I do not like him. IF you are nameless, I'm cool with you. ) Dave is just irritating. He makes me feel combative. He makes fun of how I parent, how I dress, how I talk. After 15 minutes of this I finally just blurt out, I don't like you DAve!
THe silence ensuing is pretty epic. Dave leaves. I am glad. I don't like him. But he continues to return several times thrughout the evening.
Finaly, I get to leave,and come home to find Keving and Jake going to Dominos. Jake gets me a lava cake, but I fall asleep before they get back so he puts the lava cake on my stomach as though I am a plant and I can absorb the nurtrients. I can't and its hot, as it is a lava cake. I wake up with molten chocolate on my stomach, toss it in the fridge an dgo to bed.
I had the lava cake for breakfast. Awesome, I know.
But that is why yesterday was a harrowing ordeal. Maybe "harrowing " Is a bit extreme, but it suck. At least I got cake out of it.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Introduction to Me.
Hi. At this point I am talking to absolutely no one, because I am blog baby and no one knows that I exist. I tried to do a blog before. It didn't get much attention. It was about baby clothes. Oh well.
As it is, I am an unwillingly at home mom ( as my current employer is NOT LETTING ME WORK LIKE I WANT) and spend a lot of freaking time either cleaning, painting stuff, catching food on fire and reading blogs and playing with Prince ( the most worthwhile thing I do)
Then I thought. I can do this. I think stuff. I'm clever, witty, adorable and mildly insane. I don;t even use my real name, so no one knows who I am.
SO here it goes. I will give you some blank info, not highly incriminating, and I will expound from there.
I am 21.
I am married and have been for nearly three years. ( That's right, I got married at 19. ANd yes, its not a good idea)
I have a son and he is damn near perfect. But since I am not using my name, I shan't use his either, so from here on out, my son will be know as "Prince"
I work somewhere, and it involves people, hospitality and food. I have a polo shirt, but I do not wear it and no one bothers me about it unless the Big Boss is coming.
I drive a CRAPTASTIC car.
From here I will expound upon the fact that I hate my car.
The car is OLDER then I am. I was born in 88 this car is an 86. That is well beyond the life expectancy of any car. Honestly with how this car keeps coming back from the dead its like a zombie.
It has no doorpanels as Husband too apart the doors to fin the windows that had fallen off the track and then ran over the door panels. Now I am constantly having the backs of my legs bitten by a car. Not cool Zombie car not cool.
Also the starter is bad on the car. It takes at least three tries to
get the car to start and in the mean time it SCREAMS at me inprotest, causing me to scream profanity back at it, bang my head on the wheel, kick the dash and say, "I fucking hate you, car!" and then it starts. But during this process, onlookers stare and mock me.
Then, once the keys does turn, you then have to actually push the pedal down. This is something that requires considerable skill, and the cable is either too lose too tight or just too damn old, because you have to stop it like a rat in a deli to make it even start to go and even then sometimes it just fucking dies and then you have to do the whole screaming starter thing all over again.
Once you get going you need to deal with the fact that this car has two heaters and no AC, which really sucks in Utah in June. Five minutes means have a near stroke from heat. Prince pants and turns bright red within seconds.
Not to mention the fact that the car is ugly. Husband decided to anally rape a Cadillac a few months back, so we had to Frankenstien the car back together with a car that isn't even the same. The car now permenantly drifts to the right now.
This car sucks. People poke fun at me in my ugly ass car. Policemen pull me over because the car looks "Too bad to not be up to something" not to mention it cost $75 to fill the gas tank, which is a weekly, and sometimes twice weekly event . Paying $75 for gas is like being raped with a nozzle,and having your wallet stolen, no shit.
Husband says he has found me a new car, and by new he means a 1988 Country Squire station wagon, which is practically a mobile home. But it has AC and door panels and is all one color so I am willing to give it a shot.
As it is, I am an unwillingly at home mom ( as my current employer is NOT LETTING ME WORK LIKE I WANT) and spend a lot of freaking time either cleaning, painting stuff, catching food on fire and reading blogs and playing with Prince ( the most worthwhile thing I do)
Then I thought. I can do this. I think stuff. I'm clever, witty, adorable and mildly insane. I don;t even use my real name, so no one knows who I am.
SO here it goes. I will give you some blank info, not highly incriminating, and I will expound from there.
I am 21.
I am married and have been for nearly three years. ( That's right, I got married at 19. ANd yes, its not a good idea)
I have a son and he is damn near perfect. But since I am not using my name, I shan't use his either, so from here on out, my son will be know as "Prince"
I work somewhere, and it involves people, hospitality and food. I have a polo shirt, but I do not wear it and no one bothers me about it unless the Big Boss is coming.
I drive a CRAPTASTIC car.
From here I will expound upon the fact that I hate my car.
The car is OLDER then I am. I was born in 88 this car is an 86. That is well beyond the life expectancy of any car. Honestly with how this car keeps coming back from the dead its like a zombie.
It has no doorpanels as Husband too apart the doors to fin the windows that had fallen off the track and then ran over the door panels. Now I am constantly having the backs of my legs bitten by a car. Not cool Zombie car not cool.
Also the starter is bad on the car. It takes at least three tries to
get the car to start and in the mean time it SCREAMS at me inprotest, causing me to scream profanity back at it, bang my head on the wheel, kick the dash and say, "I fucking hate you, car!" and then it starts. But during this process, onlookers stare and mock me.
Then, once the keys does turn, you then have to actually push the pedal down. This is something that requires considerable skill, and the cable is either too lose too tight or just too damn old, because you have to stop it like a rat in a deli to make it even start to go and even then sometimes it just fucking dies and then you have to do the whole screaming starter thing all over again.
Once you get going you need to deal with the fact that this car has two heaters and no AC, which really sucks in Utah in June. Five minutes means have a near stroke from heat. Prince pants and turns bright red within seconds.
Not to mention the fact that the car is ugly. Husband decided to anally rape a Cadillac a few months back, so we had to Frankenstien the car back together with a car that isn't even the same. The car now permenantly drifts to the right now.
This car sucks. People poke fun at me in my ugly ass car. Policemen pull me over because the car looks "Too bad to not be up to something" not to mention it cost $75 to fill the gas tank, which is a weekly, and sometimes twice weekly event . Paying $75 for gas is like being raped with a nozzle,and having your wallet stolen, no shit.
Husband says he has found me a new car, and by new he means a 1988 Country Squire station wagon, which is practically a mobile home. But it has AC and door panels and is all one color so I am willing to give it a shot.
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