Its been a long time....

sorry its been so long, not that very many people are reading, but it's been like, 2 weeks. And to be honest, its been rough. i'm going to have to take a break from my normal, sacreligous humor today because I AM JUST NOT FEELING IT.
There, I said it. I'm pissed off. everybody just back the fuck off before I hurt someone. There are multiple facets to how pissed off i am.

1 school. my college lost my pell grant. now, the only reason i even GO to college is because i get a pell grant. if not, i would never be able to afford it. but they lost it  an term is already more then a month in. they said 10-21 WORKING DAYS to fix it. it'll be next semester before i get any books.

2 prince broke half the keys on my keyboard. space and shift and enter don't work properly anymore.

3 i was suddenly moved from a part time employee to a full time employee. this normally wouldn't be a bad thing but for the fact that the state is dragging its ass on my childcare subsidy. now i have to bug my sister in law on watching Prince for two whole days in a row,and i don't getasingle day off between school and work

4 husband completly brushed off the whole working with no baby sitter thing entirely. things had been going very well. now i feel slighted and angry. his friend realized that i wanted to say something and asked me about it BEFORE  my fucking HUSBAND.what the hell, man?

5 next month is my birthday. this is also usually a good thing, but not this year. i want to throw a halloween party ( since my birthday is so close) but am having trouble drumming up the cash to make itgood, and i also know that husband will likely forget again or spend all the money on his stupid cigerettes. yes, he loves the smokes more then me.

6 the whole not having a car thing. i have a car that does not run. it needs about fiftybucks worth of repair, but it has sat for 3 months because money is just that fucking tight.


7 hunger. i have been hungry. we have some food now, for a while there i was only eating once a day, or every other day. that sucked. but now i just feel like i am constantly starving to death. i can't get enough to eat, and crave things. i can never pitch in to buy lunches at work either, even though they always let me eat with them. makes me feel like a mooch

8 just sick of being poor. i want to buy stuff that i need when i need it and buy stuff i want because i want it. and not have to beg borrow or steal. its not fucking fair, how hard i workand how little ihave to show for it.

9 not sure, but it looks like i might be pregnant again. also this would not normally be a bad thing but for 1, we're broke. 2 i wanted to drink at my birthday.  3 no one in either of our family thinks we should have more kids because our marriage sucks and 4 i've had 2.5 miscarriages ( counting princes little twin sister who died in utero) as much as i want another baby, i'm wary. what if they just keep dying?

i am having such a bad time with life.i need a hug.

my dream decade

I love old fashioned things. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I should have been born circa 1890. The clothes were lovely, the manners exquisite. The hygeine, lacking, but hey, everyone;s was. I immerse myself in Victorian literature, SteamPunk subculture, and the ideal of chivilry.

Alas! But it will not be so. One of my friends caught me reading "Victorian Living" the other day and he laughed at me. Is it that odd to love the past more then the future?

I have such a love for old things. Old letters with beautiful handwriting. Old clothes that have been lovingly wrapped in muslin for decades. Children's clothing in gorgeous condition due to being only worn for such a short period of time. They say Prince will hate me when he gets older, all the pictures I took of him dressed up as Little Lord Fauntleroy. But he looks so darling! The wide pilgrim collars, the sailor suits, the knicker pants! Makes me want to squeal with how cute he is.

I wish calling cards were still used. I wish Tea happened every day. I wish I could wear hats without getting odd looks. If I ever get the chance, I will have my Victorian house,a nd I'll try to reproduce its old charm. Clawfoot tubs,vainities and high backed commodes, chintz and lace. White curtains. Teapots and teacups and silver. It will be beautiful, and coastal, and my little house will have a wrap around porchwith swings and my children can play all around it....

oh, I'm getting lost in the reverie.....