How Last Night Went

YEsterday was quite eventful.

It started wit going to the zoo with my dad, sister, and Prince. We stayed for three huors, with minimal crying. Prince did not appriciate the train or the carousel as much as I thought he would have. We had over priced, cheap-y food for lunch.

At home, Husband was asleep o the couch, and he grumped at me. But I knew I was going to work, and that I (not We, since Husband is no fun) was going the the bar FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!!!.

I only had to work for three hours. which both sucks for money and is awesome for bar-going. (AHHHHH!!!!!)

When I got to work, on my own, as Husband was too tired to drive me ( and apparntly too out of it to remember he told me to take the car) I discovered that all my tables were missing. Which sent me on a trek to find my tables, and I didn't find them all.

my boss has broken ribs.

The desk manager, who makes change,yelled at me for wanting pennies, and then fives and then quarters. This is not my fault. I had $160 in $20's. SHe made me cry for a second. I don't know why. It was stupid.

Then I had to deal with a psycho who wanted to reuse her coupon 6 times. Coupons do not work that way. I question the front desk manager, she confirmed that coupons do not work that way.

I then changed into my going to the bar clothes and left ( Egyption- like gold lame top with jeweled collar, pegged black pants, metallic snake shin heels low, but not flat, but still too high by the end of the night), but not before horrifying my uber-Mormon co worker with my intention to drink. She said she couldn't think of a valid reason to go to a bar, where there were "super scary drunk people" I said that my friend was leaving after tonight. She said "Then go to a restaurant"

No.

You go to a bar to go to a bar. You know its going to be loud, smoky, full of drunk people and slutty girls, and awesome, bitchin', ninja- kick- to -the- gut drinks. You just go to go and to drink and be with people and look at other people and have those people look at you.

Came home. House was destroyed. Prince had written himself all over with a blue pen. Buddy 1 had ordered a pizza. Pizza was consumed, and Buddy 2 showed up . He also engaged in pizza-eating and I put Prince to bed. We then left for the bar. Husband stayed because he is lame and didn't bother to find a sitter

THe bar we went to was called Piper Down, and it's Irish-y. The inside is dark and has high ceilings and a bunch of flat TVS, all on different stations. The booths were up on platforms and had high walls, like a little room. There was a bunch of stuff on the walls and it was holy hell loud. We ordered something called German Chocolate Cake, which was the biggest shot I had ever seen. It took me two tries to finish it, and I think Buddy 1&2 and Marine ( who we were seeing off,) were waiting for me to puke. I didn't.

Then they all ordered beer, and I I got a mai tai. A mai tai tastes like fruit and holy-shit-'I'm-plowed.( Yes, that's a flavor) I was drinking it pretty slow cuz I could totally feel that first shot, which I think was primarily Vodka, but I"m not sure. Marine switched it with his beer at one point. Beer and mai tai's are very different. Very.

Upon finishing it I was profoundly tired, but you can't put your head down at a bar, so the guys took turns talking to me. I don't remember what I said. Which is never good. Buddy 1 was like "Stand up"

Good thing he was standing right there, or I might have lost some teeth. They then decided that I didn't need any more booze. A good call. At which point I drank a bunch of water, decided I had to pee, was led by the hand like a five year old to the bathroom, and locked myself in a stall and coudn't figure out how to get out for a minute ( another sign)

The guys took turns smoking because no one wanted to leave me alone to get raped. Thanks guys. I didn't really want to get raped. They did a good job watching, since I wasn't raped at all.

We sat on the smoking deck. I talked to a girl who was less drunk then me.

Went home. Buddy 1 was kind enough to stop at a Mcdonalds so I could pee ( 2 pints of water is A LOT) but they wouldn't let me. SO we went to Dee's, where we both bee-lined it to the bathrooms and then ordered cheese fries. I only ate half. Cheese fries at Dee's are as big as your head.

We drove for a bit, cuz I was feeling chill, talked about concussions and wisdom teeth, and how odd it feels to feel yourself coming sober. ( It's weird, and I can't describe it well. Its like, drunk, drunk, drunk , drunk. Okay, I'm good now.)

We went home and I fell asleep immidiately on the couch.

I did not throw up at all over the course of the evening or this morning. I do not have a head ache now.

I did have an awesome time and would do it again providing I'm not pregnant.

Who The FUCK hits on a chick buying diapers?

Seriously, doesn't the titles say it all?

I'll lay the scene. I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I'm wearing a too big sun dress and flip flops any my hair is all over my head, and no make up. I grab my diapers and thrust them on the counter with my last $21.00.

Behind me I here "MmmmMMMMmmmmmmm!!!!!!!"

I look around to see an old Mexican man with ony 2 teeth lick is lips and make a kissy sound at me.

Ugh.

I say " DOn't look at me!"

I continue with my transaction, gathering my .64, when I suddenly feel a lumpy wall behind my back.

Its the guy, pressing himself against me.

"Can I touch you then?"

FUCK. FUCK FUCK.

"NO!!!" I squeak, hurrying off with my diapers towards home.

He followed me. A friendly big rig driver noticed what was going on, jumped out of his truck and effectivly "got in his way" while I escaped.

Jesus. Why hits on someone buying diapers? Isn't that a pretty sure sign of "Someone else already tapped that"? Or. "SHe's got kids. I just want to fuck her, I don't want no kids"?

No

God, I need a shower now.

And Maybe to move, I know he saw me go into my building.

Nazi Neighbors and racism in general

My neighbors are nazis. Like, card- carrying, swastika tattooed nazi, no shit, no joke. However, they say they don't hate little black/Jewish/ handicapped/hispanic KIDS, because they can't help that they are "Deficiet" As though you can change that when you grown up, or something. Some sort of surgery or some shit like that, how you can change genders, why not change races. ( Why should we not change Races? Micheal Jackson. That's why.) Now, I don't get this.

I prefer to hate people on a case by case basis, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity or creed. I
am an equal oppertunity hater.

Door ding my car and don't leave a note? FUCK YOU.

Kick puppies? YOU SUCK.

Let you kid pick on my kid? I WILL KEEL-HAUL YOU.

Smoke, while talking on your cell phone while ordering food? GO TO HELL.

It doesn't matter what you look like, it matters what you do.

I just don't get racism. I mean, its like hating someone because they grew taller then you, or have freckles. No one can help how they are born. No one asks to be born. I didn;t ask to be so lily white I glow in the dark. I should get special treatment due to this, since I had literally NO PART in it.

So on the whole, I hate racism. Hearing it makes my blood boil and my stomach hurt. And now I have to live near these people who hate people because of things that they can't help. And I live in a damn diverse neighborhood. Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Bosnians, Hispanics, South Africans, Chinese, Irish immigrants, and native Americans all live here. Caucasian people are pretty much the minority. Which just makes me fear their ignorance.

glove bombs and mustard cannons.

When you work in a hotel like I do, crazy, wild, stupid, unbelievable shit happens pretty much every day. ( and you see a lot of people having sex, whether you want to or not!) But some of the most insane, stupidest crap comes from the very people you work with.

The day before I had the misfortune to sprain my wrist trying to move the ice cream cooler, and yesterday it had swollen and turned an unpleasant bright red and was making me want to cry, so I filled a laytex glove up with ice and put it on my wrist. ( I learned this trick after having prince, when they gave me a glove of Ice to put in the very sensitive area after childbirth. Its kind of like being fingered by the grim reaper but it definately works.) After a while all the ice had melted and the two tylenols I had taken began to take effect, so I set the glove full of cold water aside. Will, GIrl Lifegaurd, who likes to visit was up with me and Boss. Boss told her to put it down, and of course, she viewed that as a direct challenge and made like throwing it at him. Then overtaken by a clever idea, she grabbed a new glove, filled it with water at the sink and poked a hole in the middle finger so she could use it like an udder. She tried to squirt it at Boss. Boss grabbed it. The glove udder exploded water in a four foot radius I had barely moved out of. Hilarity ensued.

Then Girl Life Gaurd returned to save drowning folk and then Boss's Boss came in. We discussed the water on the floor ( not involved) and whether or not my monogram ring is actually my name ( it is, you idiot, it goes first initial, Last Initial, middle initial and my last and middle initials are the same. You ask this EVERY DAY) discussed my Nazi neighbors ( unfortunately involved) and what to do about my wrist ( no, I don't want to file a damn report, it's not going to fall off.)

And then, quite suddenly, Dave ( boss's boss) pick up our new, Mega-condiment dispenser, that hold five pounds of either ketchup or mustard and says "HAve you figured out how far these things can shoot?"

Um, no, Dave. No we haven't because launching mustard bombs is a waste of mustard.

But that doesn't stop him, oh, no, no way! He flips that thing up, points it straight at me and FIRES!!!!!! I barely escape into the far corner of the storeroom. Mustard shot literally 20 feet, from the far side of the counter, across the kitchen and halfway across the storeroom. I was 8 inches away from being struck by mustard. It could have been very traumatic. And ruined my pants. But it didn't so I laughed.

And thus we had the hilarity at work yesterday.

Nazis will be explained at a later date. Maybe tomorrow. If I can fet the balls enough to talk about them, because Nazis are bad, bad, bad. ANd they might come for me.

How I made 6 children cry and was nearly killed by a large Polynisian woman, and why I hate other people's children

Yesterday, due to mt apartment complex's eternal lameness I was forced to take Prince to the park to ride is new tricycle instead of using all the little paths that are IN THE COMPLEX. (See awesome tricycle above)


Well, I took him to the local park, and there were a lot of people there and they all seemed to know each other. It seemed to be some sort of family reunion for a LARGE Polynisian family. ( Seriously large, like a coupe hundred people. I don't think I personally know that many freaking people) But, there wasn't a "reserved" placard up, so I had just as much a right to be at the park as they did.

Well We pushed prince around on the trike for a while, and then he wanted to play on the playground, so I parked the trike in the corner of the yard and Prince ran off to play on the playground. As soon as my hand wasn't actually on the trike, a swarm of children just attacked it like flies on a carcass. After about 5 minutes of watching my son's new, expensive tricycle being abused by these little rat kids, I walked over, plopped him back on it and pushed him away. Well, this causes instant tears from the little trike-jackers, "It's mine! It's MINE!" Suddenly I find myself nose-to-navel with an ENORMOUS, Amazon like Islander woman, with several other equally large women backing her up. Eight year olds were bigger than me.

"Why are you taking my kids' bike?" She booms.
"I'm not. I'm taking MY kid's trike." I say, sounding less tough then I would have liked.
"Says who?" she says
"Says the fact that my kid's name is on it it like, three places" says I, and with that I quickly manuver around them, back to Husband, where we load up and leave.

ANd this leads me to the next half as to why I hate other people's children.

Now, I love my own children. Obviously, Prince is perfect and must be loved


But other kids I am less enthusiastic about, espcially lately. It seems like all the children around here are just little felons in training, militant, nefarious little beasts, who steal toys and popcicles . It's like my child is a small country with nice toys being overtaken by a larger, militant countries with runny noses.

Since May Prince has lost 3 balls, a bucket ( cruelly trampled by the foot of an angry 5 year old) gallons of bubble mix have been poured out, unblown, and dozens of waterballoons monopolized and destroyed before Prince even gets to play with them.

And parents don't force their kids to play nice. Some brat knocks Prince off his bike and ride off on it, I chase that little bastard down and take it back, and I'm the bad guy for taking my kid's stuff.

Other children just suck. They are loud. They say things like " Your mama's so dumb she stuck a battery up hr butt cuz she thought she was battery operated". They walk into your house and straight up take my kid's toys. They rip popsicles out of his little hands and eat them.

Other kids freaking suck. I don't let my kid take toys from other kids. I allow him to make a ruckus in restaurants and movies and supermarkets. I don't let my kid say rude things. Its not that hard. WHY CAN'T OTHER PEOPLE REALIZE THAT?

Why My Liver is a Super hero

Unlike everyone else I know, I actually did not indulge in alcohol until I was OF AGE, which means that I have a super healthy liver. All my friends who have been drinking since Jr. High, their livers are all like "Myaaaaah!" after a night of drinking, my liver is like "DOOT-DO-DOOOOO!"

Like, I have four drinks and I get to ride the wave for a while, fall asleep suddenly and wake up the next morning brimming with obnoxiously perky energy whilst my fellow drinking buddies are curled on the cold tile floor.

Even while I'm drinking, I start to sober up, cuz my liver is just that badass. Maybe it's cuz I eat the whole time I"m drinking cuz I just don't like how alcohol on nothing makes my stomach feel ( which is like when an elevator goes down when you thought it would go up.) It must dampen the effect considerably. Most people have a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another (or another drink) I have a drink in one hand and a box of Ritz crackers in the other.

My work buddy came to work hungover yesterday . Her liver is not as badass as mine.

things that scare the shit out of me

1. Spiders. I hate spiders. Spiders should all die, and then some one else needs to sweep up the corpses, cuz I even hate the corpses. If a spider touches something, that item is no good any more and needs to be disposed of. This is why I have several lonely shoes. Their mates sacrificed themselves to save me from spiders.

2 Birds. Not like cute little sparrows, but big ones, swans,ducks, geese, and seagulls. Stupid, you say? You know swan has a 6 foot wingspan and are a hell of a lot less beautiful when they are out of the water, chasing you, and you are nine. And ducks? You better have enough bread for ALL THE DUCKS IN THE WORLD, or the ones who get stiffed will BITE YOUR ASS. Same with geese. ANs seaguls, seaguls will attack you, shit on you and then steal you lunch, bag and all. Birds suck.

3 Zombies. DO I need to expound upon this? Zombies are scary. They lumber, moan, and eat other people. If your mother becomes a zombie you have to either kill your mother, or let her drag you to an undead convention. Plus thanks to movie magic, now we have to worry about fast, bloody zombies a la 28 days later. NOT COOL! Those fuckers are fast, and I have asthma!

4. Driving. I hate driving. Driving is scary. Cops are lurking to pull you over for going 31 in a 30, or for using your cell phone when you are hopelessly lost. Other drivers are trying to kill you. Your exit always jumps up on you unexpectedly, forcing you to take the next exit, which drops you into a strange, inbred hick town to be eaten by the monsters from the Hills Have Eyes.

5. People speaking foreign languages, especially Asian or Russian ones. Nothing against these people, truly, but when you have to Chinese guys arguing on a bus, that is so Goddamn scary I want my mommy. They always sound so ANGRY!!!!!! I mean, yeah, maybe they are just talking about movies, or vegetables or commenting on my lovely blond hair, but the threat level persists. (Agian, no offense to Chinese people. I'm sure non-english speakers feel the same hearing me babble to some other English speaker.)

6. Water. Not all water, just water over my head as I never learned to swim properly. This is a perfectly understandable fear. Water doesn't work like air and I know this. I also know that I lack the manual dexteriy and bouyancy to defeat water. Water is a nemisis of mine.

7. CLowns. Clowns are freaky, with thier deathly pale skin and wide, bloody mouths, and enourmous feet and they wear things that squirt stuff, and something they kill people. Watch "it" and you will understand

8. Public restrooms. God only knows what happened there. What's that on the floor? Why is there a razor blade in the toilet paper despenser? OH GOD, IS THAT A SEVERED PENIS?! Someone was raped here, I'm sure of it.......

And that is the shortlist of things that scare the shit out of me. Believe me there is more, but I can't reveal all my weaknesses.