Its been a long time....

sorry its been so long, not that very many people are reading, but it's been like, 2 weeks. And to be honest, its been rough. i'm going to have to take a break from my normal, sacreligous humor today because I AM JUST NOT FEELING IT.
There, I said it. I'm pissed off. everybody just back the fuck off before I hurt someone. There are multiple facets to how pissed off i am.

1 school. my college lost my pell grant. now, the only reason i even GO to college is because i get a pell grant. if not, i would never be able to afford it. but they lost it  an term is already more then a month in. they said 10-21 WORKING DAYS to fix it. it'll be next semester before i get any books.

2 prince broke half the keys on my keyboard. space and shift and enter don't work properly anymore.

3 i was suddenly moved from a part time employee to a full time employee. this normally wouldn't be a bad thing but for the fact that the state is dragging its ass on my childcare subsidy. now i have to bug my sister in law on watching Prince for two whole days in a row,and i don't getasingle day off between school and work

4 husband completly brushed off the whole working with no baby sitter thing entirely. things had been going very well. now i feel slighted and angry. his friend realized that i wanted to say something and asked me about it BEFORE  my fucking HUSBAND.what the hell, man?

5 next month is my birthday. this is also usually a good thing, but not this year. i want to throw a halloween party ( since my birthday is so close) but am having trouble drumming up the cash to make itgood, and i also know that husband will likely forget again or spend all the money on his stupid cigerettes. yes, he loves the smokes more then me.

6 the whole not having a car thing. i have a car that does not run. it needs about fiftybucks worth of repair, but it has sat for 3 months because money is just that fucking tight.


7 hunger. i have been hungry. we have some food now, for a while there i was only eating once a day, or every other day. that sucked. but now i just feel like i am constantly starving to death. i can't get enough to eat, and crave things. i can never pitch in to buy lunches at work either, even though they always let me eat with them. makes me feel like a mooch

8 just sick of being poor. i want to buy stuff that i need when i need it and buy stuff i want because i want it. and not have to beg borrow or steal. its not fucking fair, how hard i workand how little ihave to show for it.

9 not sure, but it looks like i might be pregnant again. also this would not normally be a bad thing but for 1, we're broke. 2 i wanted to drink at my birthday.  3 no one in either of our family thinks we should have more kids because our marriage sucks and 4 i've had 2.5 miscarriages ( counting princes little twin sister who died in utero) as much as i want another baby, i'm wary. what if they just keep dying?

i am having such a bad time with life.i need a hug.

my dream decade

I love old fashioned things. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I should have been born circa 1890. The clothes were lovely, the manners exquisite. The hygeine, lacking, but hey, everyone;s was. I immerse myself in Victorian literature, SteamPunk subculture, and the ideal of chivilry.

Alas! But it will not be so. One of my friends caught me reading "Victorian Living" the other day and he laughed at me. Is it that odd to love the past more then the future?

I have such a love for old things. Old letters with beautiful handwriting. Old clothes that have been lovingly wrapped in muslin for decades. Children's clothing in gorgeous condition due to being only worn for such a short period of time. They say Prince will hate me when he gets older, all the pictures I took of him dressed up as Little Lord Fauntleroy. But he looks so darling! The wide pilgrim collars, the sailor suits, the knicker pants! Makes me want to squeal with how cute he is.

I wish calling cards were still used. I wish Tea happened every day. I wish I could wear hats without getting odd looks. If I ever get the chance, I will have my Victorian house,a nd I'll try to reproduce its old charm. Clawfoot tubs,vainities and high backed commodes, chintz and lace. White curtains. Teapots and teacups and silver. It will be beautiful, and coastal, and my little house will have a wrap around porchwith swings and my children can play all around it....

oh, I'm getting lost in the reverie.....

Not a whole helluva lot going on....

Not much is happening. I mean yeah, there's school, and i did try to go to class a day early but that's not that exciting. There's work, I got moved up at work, but I haven't started yet. I start that today.

Prince has had the runny nose from hell.I'm shocked that he has any brains left.

Today I made tiny muffins so I can feel like a giant as I devour them in one bite.

Oh, new favorite bitch beer- Jack Daniels summer cocktails. Cheaper then mike's and even though they have the same ammount of alcohol, these hit like a ton of bricks

Things I love

1. Adult things sized down for children. It 's so adorable. We also have tiny chairs and tables and couches.
2 Beautiful locales, beautiful clothes, and beautiful little boys
3 Vintage Purses. This alligator skin frame purse with brass fittings is elegant and beautiful,despite being older then my mother. (Which is old for a purse, not so old for a woman, mom)
4 Monograms and beautiful, romantic beds.
5 Gorgeous oldfashioned white cotton nighties. Why did these go out of style?

other things I love but don't have photos of
6 cashmere sweaters.
7 babies
8 new kittens
9 pepsi
10 going to bars
11 Chili's 14oz steak with loaded potatoes and fresh veggies.
12 watching lightening with my friends
13 books by E Nesbit ( where did those carefree times go?)
14 When strangers stop to admire my beautiful child
15 When people call me "Miss"
16 The Simpsons
17 The Green Mile
18 Baby shoes
19 Sleeping late
20 Massages
21 Christmas morning
22 My birthday, even better when other people remember my birthday too!
23 Chocolate. Lindt. Godiva. Dove.....
24 Frozen Grasshoppers ( creme de menthe, creme de cacao, and vanilla ice cream. Its like a milk shake that gets you plastered)
25 having money left after bills are paid
26 Disney Land.
27 pretty, useless things, like silver teacups or Christening Gowns, and gold-dipped roses.
28 Driving into the sunset with old-school punk rock blasting.
29 the smell of unsmoked tabbacco ( like chocolate and rasins and men)
30 family dinners at home. Amazing how quickly you can fall back into your old role.
31 Those rare moments when you and a friend understand each other perfectly and don't need to say anything else.
32 being able to scrapbook uninterupted.
33 brand new books
34 hugs from good friends
35 watching a jerk get pulled over after cutting you off
36 falling asleep early in the evening and not waking up until the next day
37 someone playing with my hair.
38 Buying groceries after not being able to for a long time
39 Watching something pull together after working so hard on it
40 Coming home after being gone for a week and having all your stuff still be there.
41 the first bite of ANYTHING after being very hungry
42 hearing my son talk
43 weddings.
44 when other children want to play with Prince so I can do something else
45 Bubbles!
46 Going back to my home town
47 Moving into a new house
48 Drinking anything out of a martini glass
49 wearing a fabulous coat
50 getting a joke with everybody else, instead of getting it after everyone else and feeling stupid.

Wow, I like a lot of random shit.

Why I Am a BAD MOTHER

I have a confession to make.

I am a bad mom. Here is the proof:

1 Prince says both "Hell yeah!' and "Oh, Shit!"
2 I count french fries as a vegetable.
3 I never buy him a meal of his own when we go out, I just share with him.
4 I let him drink Iced Tea
5 nothing we have is organic on purpose.
6 I never turn off the TV .
7 those infant learning cards? yeah, we have them, bent up all over the house.
8 Prince sleeps in my bed at least once a week.
9 I call a sitter so I can go get drunk with friends about once a month. ( or maybe this makes me a good mom for not drinking around my kid)
10 I yell if he doesn't listen after two tries
11 He dumped his plate on me, so I dumped my plate on him.
12 I have sat on him in order to brush his teeth.
13 He once bit me and I called him a savage little beast, and threw him in his room and forgot about him for an hour.
14 I give him chunks of lemon because the face he makes is funny.
15 When he isn't behaving like a little prince, he is a little rat.
16 I once lost him in Khols and when I found him, he had dismantled a sunglasses display.
17 One time he was screaming, and I thought he was throwing a fit, but actually, his foot was caught in his bed rail.
18 I let the neighborhood kids take him out to play so I can take a nap.
19 I have seriously considered sending footage of him throwing a tantrum in to Trojan for a condom commercial.
20 I almost always come home from work with a balloon ( or ten) candy, stickers, or a toy for him.
21 He thinks I am the Goddess of Crackers and Milk, because I never tell him no.
22 I used to make cheese sandwiches, now I just give him a piece of cheese because that's all he eats.
23 He got into my make up and dress shoes. I took picture.
24 I also have a naked picture of him on my TV stand.
25 Sometimes the only thing he eats all day is macaroni and cheese. Even for breakfast.
26 his birthday parties take 6 months planning and cost a couple hundred dollars.
27 last Christmas he got 4 tricycles. And I let him keep them all
28 none of our remotes have batteries an non of our lamps work because he lost them or broke them and I cant be bothered to replace them
29 I once put his shoes on the wrong feet and yelled at him for crying the whole walk to the grocery store and didn't realize the problem until we got home.
30 I quit breastfeeding before a year.
31 I didn't use cloth diapers.
32 I once lost our entire stock of bottles only to find them a week later, nasty, curdled bottles of have filled milk, underneath his crib. I washed them out and kept using them,
33 I have tried to take bottles away 4 times, but always cave.
34 I only remember to run the humidifier half the time.
35 I forgot to do the moth by month baby book for his second year, and it probably wont get done now.
36 if anyone else is over, I defer bed time to them, so I don't have to deal with it. He always screams when I put him down, but not anyone else.
37 our neighbors smoke weed. I let Prince play with their son, even though I could smell it so I could walk to the grocery store.
38 I let him fall off the bed when he was 4 month old
39 I let him get a concussion the day before his first birthday.
40 I use the fact that I have a baby with me to get better seats on the bus, help out of the grocery store, and just making people move.


Someone call CPS, because I am obviously the world's worst mother.

How Last Night Went

YEsterday was quite eventful.

It started wit going to the zoo with my dad, sister, and Prince. We stayed for three huors, with minimal crying. Prince did not appriciate the train or the carousel as much as I thought he would have. We had over priced, cheap-y food for lunch.

At home, Husband was asleep o the couch, and he grumped at me. But I knew I was going to work, and that I (not We, since Husband is no fun) was going the the bar FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!!!.

I only had to work for three hours. which both sucks for money and is awesome for bar-going. (AHHHHH!!!!!)

When I got to work, on my own, as Husband was too tired to drive me ( and apparntly too out of it to remember he told me to take the car) I discovered that all my tables were missing. Which sent me on a trek to find my tables, and I didn't find them all.

my boss has broken ribs.

The desk manager, who makes change,yelled at me for wanting pennies, and then fives and then quarters. This is not my fault. I had $160 in $20's. SHe made me cry for a second. I don't know why. It was stupid.

Then I had to deal with a psycho who wanted to reuse her coupon 6 times. Coupons do not work that way. I question the front desk manager, she confirmed that coupons do not work that way.

I then changed into my going to the bar clothes and left ( Egyption- like gold lame top with jeweled collar, pegged black pants, metallic snake shin heels low, but not flat, but still too high by the end of the night), but not before horrifying my uber-Mormon co worker with my intention to drink. She said she couldn't think of a valid reason to go to a bar, where there were "super scary drunk people" I said that my friend was leaving after tonight. She said "Then go to a restaurant"

No.

You go to a bar to go to a bar. You know its going to be loud, smoky, full of drunk people and slutty girls, and awesome, bitchin', ninja- kick- to -the- gut drinks. You just go to go and to drink and be with people and look at other people and have those people look at you.

Came home. House was destroyed. Prince had written himself all over with a blue pen. Buddy 1 had ordered a pizza. Pizza was consumed, and Buddy 2 showed up . He also engaged in pizza-eating and I put Prince to bed. We then left for the bar. Husband stayed because he is lame and didn't bother to find a sitter

THe bar we went to was called Piper Down, and it's Irish-y. The inside is dark and has high ceilings and a bunch of flat TVS, all on different stations. The booths were up on platforms and had high walls, like a little room. There was a bunch of stuff on the walls and it was holy hell loud. We ordered something called German Chocolate Cake, which was the biggest shot I had ever seen. It took me two tries to finish it, and I think Buddy 1&2 and Marine ( who we were seeing off,) were waiting for me to puke. I didn't.

Then they all ordered beer, and I I got a mai tai. A mai tai tastes like fruit and holy-shit-'I'm-plowed.( Yes, that's a flavor) I was drinking it pretty slow cuz I could totally feel that first shot, which I think was primarily Vodka, but I"m not sure. Marine switched it with his beer at one point. Beer and mai tai's are very different. Very.

Upon finishing it I was profoundly tired, but you can't put your head down at a bar, so the guys took turns talking to me. I don't remember what I said. Which is never good. Buddy 1 was like "Stand up"

Good thing he was standing right there, or I might have lost some teeth. They then decided that I didn't need any more booze. A good call. At which point I drank a bunch of water, decided I had to pee, was led by the hand like a five year old to the bathroom, and locked myself in a stall and coudn't figure out how to get out for a minute ( another sign)

The guys took turns smoking because no one wanted to leave me alone to get raped. Thanks guys. I didn't really want to get raped. They did a good job watching, since I wasn't raped at all.

We sat on the smoking deck. I talked to a girl who was less drunk then me.

Went home. Buddy 1 was kind enough to stop at a Mcdonalds so I could pee ( 2 pints of water is A LOT) but they wouldn't let me. SO we went to Dee's, where we both bee-lined it to the bathrooms and then ordered cheese fries. I only ate half. Cheese fries at Dee's are as big as your head.

We drove for a bit, cuz I was feeling chill, talked about concussions and wisdom teeth, and how odd it feels to feel yourself coming sober. ( It's weird, and I can't describe it well. Its like, drunk, drunk, drunk , drunk. Okay, I'm good now.)

We went home and I fell asleep immidiately on the couch.

I did not throw up at all over the course of the evening or this morning. I do not have a head ache now.

I did have an awesome time and would do it again providing I'm not pregnant.

Who The FUCK hits on a chick buying diapers?

Seriously, doesn't the titles say it all?

I'll lay the scene. I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I'm wearing a too big sun dress and flip flops any my hair is all over my head, and no make up. I grab my diapers and thrust them on the counter with my last $21.00.

Behind me I here "MmmmMMMMmmmmmmm!!!!!!!"

I look around to see an old Mexican man with ony 2 teeth lick is lips and make a kissy sound at me.

Ugh.

I say " DOn't look at me!"

I continue with my transaction, gathering my .64, when I suddenly feel a lumpy wall behind my back.

Its the guy, pressing himself against me.

"Can I touch you then?"

FUCK. FUCK FUCK.

"NO!!!" I squeak, hurrying off with my diapers towards home.

He followed me. A friendly big rig driver noticed what was going on, jumped out of his truck and effectivly "got in his way" while I escaped.

Jesus. Why hits on someone buying diapers? Isn't that a pretty sure sign of "Someone else already tapped that"? Or. "SHe's got kids. I just want to fuck her, I don't want no kids"?

No

God, I need a shower now.

And Maybe to move, I know he saw me go into my building.