things that scare the shit out of me

1. Spiders. I hate spiders. Spiders should all die, and then some one else needs to sweep up the corpses, cuz I even hate the corpses. If a spider touches something, that item is no good any more and needs to be disposed of. This is why I have several lonely shoes. Their mates sacrificed themselves to save me from spiders.

2 Birds. Not like cute little sparrows, but big ones, swans,ducks, geese, and seagulls. Stupid, you say? You know swan has a 6 foot wingspan and are a hell of a lot less beautiful when they are out of the water, chasing you, and you are nine. And ducks? You better have enough bread for ALL THE DUCKS IN THE WORLD, or the ones who get stiffed will BITE YOUR ASS. Same with geese. ANs seaguls, seaguls will attack you, shit on you and then steal you lunch, bag and all. Birds suck.

3 Zombies. DO I need to expound upon this? Zombies are scary. They lumber, moan, and eat other people. If your mother becomes a zombie you have to either kill your mother, or let her drag you to an undead convention. Plus thanks to movie magic, now we have to worry about fast, bloody zombies a la 28 days later. NOT COOL! Those fuckers are fast, and I have asthma!

4. Driving. I hate driving. Driving is scary. Cops are lurking to pull you over for going 31 in a 30, or for using your cell phone when you are hopelessly lost. Other drivers are trying to kill you. Your exit always jumps up on you unexpectedly, forcing you to take the next exit, which drops you into a strange, inbred hick town to be eaten by the monsters from the Hills Have Eyes.

5. People speaking foreign languages, especially Asian or Russian ones. Nothing against these people, truly, but when you have to Chinese guys arguing on a bus, that is so Goddamn scary I want my mommy. They always sound so ANGRY!!!!!! I mean, yeah, maybe they are just talking about movies, or vegetables or commenting on my lovely blond hair, but the threat level persists. (Agian, no offense to Chinese people. I'm sure non-english speakers feel the same hearing me babble to some other English speaker.)

6. Water. Not all water, just water over my head as I never learned to swim properly. This is a perfectly understandable fear. Water doesn't work like air and I know this. I also know that I lack the manual dexteriy and bouyancy to defeat water. Water is a nemisis of mine.

7. CLowns. Clowns are freaky, with thier deathly pale skin and wide, bloody mouths, and enourmous feet and they wear things that squirt stuff, and something they kill people. Watch "it" and you will understand

8. Public restrooms. God only knows what happened there. What's that on the floor? Why is there a razor blade in the toilet paper despenser? OH GOD, IS THAT A SEVERED PENIS?! Someone was raped here, I'm sure of it.......

And that is the shortlist of things that scare the shit out of me. Believe me there is more, but I can't reveal all my weaknesses.